Where Did The Music Go?

What do I do with my music?

I used to have a burning passion for music. It has disappeared.

It doesn't seem so long ago that I had 14,000+ music files on my computer. Now I have none. I used to have music playing almost all the time; now I prefer silence.

In my youth I dreamed of becoming a classical violinist. I took lessons for years, went to Germany to study where I also began playing viola. I've played at weddings, in various orchestras, with choirs at a  variety of concerts; I even started a church orchestra which I led for 5+ years. I sang in many choirs for years, I even directed choirs on occasion. Now my violin and viola are collecting dust. It's been a few years since I even opened the cases. I don't want to sing in choirs anymore. In fact, I rarely sing.

I have hundreds of music cd's sitting in binders in our storage room. I still have an unknown number of LP's; also in the storage room. I have the hardware and software to digitize the LP's but at the moment I lack the inclination to do so.

A little over a year ago Heidi and I discussed the idea of me picking up a cello to start playing that instrument. I haven't pursued this thought for a number of reasons. One, because it's not within our budget right now, but mostly because I question how long my interest would endure. I don't need another stringed instrument gathering dust in the closet.

My love of music hasn't vanished. I still find it interesting and pleasurable. Heidi and I celebrated our last anniversary at Celebrations Dinner Theatre where we  thoroughly the musical entertainment. I looked at the upcoming concert schedule of the Winnipeg Symphony Orchestra and was enticed by some of the offerings, but not enough to subscribe. When we went to the Da Vinci Exhibit last weekend I clearly recognized the background music, especially the pieces I had performed many years ago.

I have contemplated pulling out my worship and other christian music to try to enhance my meditation, prayer and scripture reading time. Something unknown and undefined is holding me back.

I know I still have thousands of mp3's on some of my external hard drives. Several years ago I went through all my digital music and deleted everything that I didn't own on CD or LP. It was time to dump all the music I had procured illegally. I have at least one filing cabinet drawer full of printed music and I think I still have a hymnal or two, although I gave most of what I had to my daughter when we moved last winter. I do not lack for means or resources to have music in my life. Nevertheless, music is mostly absent.

Occasionally I become aware of a tune or melody faintly running through my head. But it doesn't consume me as it once did. There was a time where music did consume me. I couldn't shut it off. I sometimes went for days without sleep because the music kept growing and expanding. The music would go on until I ran completely out of energy and crashed into a depression. Crashes usually resulted in chaos; financial, relational, spiritual, and personal. One person remarked to me that I had a gift that I couldn't control; it controlled me.

Maybe that's why I prefer silence. I'm tired of crashing. I want no part of any more chaos.